Being true to myself

Change is something that doesn’t come naturally to me. I am pretty sure it doesn't come naturally to anyone. It's just not human nature to enjoy big changes. When it comes to a big change I get really nervous and anxious. It’s that hide under the covers, knot in the pit of your stomach, crawl out of your own skin, kind of feeling. I’m a huge control freak. I don’t like being uncertain, uncomfortable, unknown. I need to know where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I’m with. I need to be the “driver” (metaphorically and physically because I do actually drive 99.9% of the time when I’m going somewhere with people).
There has been the potential for a change in my professional environment for a while now. Yesterday, I had to take the leap and see where I land. There’s a chance nothing could come of it. There’s a chance that everything could change. It’s honestly not that huge of a change but for me, it certainly feels like it is. I know it’s a good change and I know that it is one that will work for me, probably a lot better than I can even imagine. Yet every time I think about it, I feel like I'm gonna lose it. It’s not that I don’t want it; it’s that I’m scared. What if I fail? What if it’s a bad change? What if it’s the wrong decision for my family? The only thing I could think to do was take a step back. First of all; I don’t know that anything is going to change. Second of all; there is nothing I can do to make it happen any faster, slower or stop. I’ve put myself out there and taken the leap. No, I don’t know where I will land and there is nothing scarier than that. I don’t know if the fall will hurt or bounce me back up where I belong. So I put it in God’s hands. He will make the right decision for me and my life. I have made the right decision by putting myself out there and trying and He, and only He, can make the decision of what is best for me and my family. Knowing that is going to help whatever answer comes from this, be a lot easier. I will know that it is the right decision for me. I will know that if I need a change and this doesn't work out, I need to go in a different direction. There are so many things that I want to do in this life. I have an amazing family, so I can check that off my list. Still, I want to go back to school. I want to do something that means something to me. I want to find my passion! I want to find new hobbies and activities to do and enjoy. I have a lot of life left to live and playing it safe just isn’t going to cut it. I need to leap. I need to put myself out there. I need to believe in myself and my abilities and my determination.

 





I think being a mom sometimes holds me back outside my home environment. I am always going to do what is best for my family but I think sometimes, I might use that as an excuse. Being a mom and being true to me need to collide in the center! I need to mesh the two halves of myself together and base my life around that part, not both parts separately. This change, regardless of the outcome, has changed me. It has made me realize that I’m not being everything that I can be. It has made me realize that I want to be more than I’m being. It has made me realize that I need to push myself to do the things that matter to me. This change in me, it wasn’t scary or hard. It didn’t cause anxiety or stress. It made me realize that there are two parts to me and I am hiding behind one of them. It’s time to unite them and become the best that I can be, professionally, as a person, as a mother... As myself.