I wish....

     It has been almost 2 months since I have written. So many things have happened. Mostly great things! We went to Disney, have gone to the river, enjoyed a lot of time with friends. I never want summer to end. I have been soaking up every last ounce of sun that I possibly can between working full time and taking care of household needs (and a lot of that has gone to the wayside as well) I promise I will get back on here and share pictures and stories of all of these events. But today I need to get something out.
     Today I am lost in thought. I had a great day. It was a little bit rocky in the middle because my son threw a bit of a tantrum but we made it through and I truly believe we came out stronger for it in the end. I will take a tantrum and having to punish him every single day over having to deal with all of the things on my mind.
     Last night some dear friends of mine lost their 12 year old Godson to a fight with a rare heart disease. (For more of his story click here) I can't even begin to imagine their pain or the pain of the parents of this child. It kills me deep inside to think of the loss these people are feeling. I cannot explain how becoming a parent connects you to all other parents. Sure, there are gaps and everyone's parenting styles are different but every parent I know loves their children more than life itself and just thinking about someone losing one makes my heart break into a million pieces over and over again. In March we lost a member of our family. My fiances nephew. Seeing his brother and sister in law and niece and the rest of the people that I have come to love and cherish as my own family broke me in a way I didn't know it could. When I was a senior in high school, I lost my baby cousin to a choking incident. He was one year old. A teeny little baby who had so much light and happiness in him. He filled our lives with joy much like any child does. Watching my aunt and uncle at his funeral killed me. The look of devastation on their faces was one that will stay in my soul for all of eternity. The 2 more recent events were no different. Every loss that we are faced with changes us. Every time that we lose someone so dear to our hearts something in our world shifts. Every time we have to stop and re-evaluate all of the things in our lives. Every time we change. 
     Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about James' nephew and family. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about my own family and our own struggle all of those years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my grandparents and even James' Mom who I never met. Deep inside of me are these things that surface every so often just enough for me to remember just how damn lucky I am. I am not perfect. I may think of these things and choose not to reflect on them because it is far too painful. Today, I have done nothing but reflect. Today, my life will be forever changed, again. Today is a day to remember. Every day is a day to remember.
     I know I would be a different person if all of these things hadn't happened and affected my life. I just have to wonder why these horrible things happen to good people. People who work hard and are honest and loving and kind. I know that we all ask ourselves these questions. I know that I will never get the answers. I also know that I can't help but think them. I can't help but feel like life is cruel and unfair and that the more devious and deceitful you are, the more you gain. That makes me sad. It makes me so incredibly sad.
     Today, I am thankful, grateful and happy for all the amazing, wonderful things and people I have in my life. Today I am sad, regretful and distressed for all of the wonderful, amazing people and children that have been lost in our lives. Today, I wish that there was more I could do for the people that I love.